‘Sup reader, how was your motherfuckin’ Songkran? If you’re a tubby middle-aged mongerblogger like me, it’s probably not even over. Tomorrow I’ll shuffle back to Pattaya where the goddam water fight is still going on. It’s a nightmare.
My little brother is still here, raking through a sex tourist’s frenetic holiday, putting way too much pressure on himself to wrangle pussy everywhere he goes. And it turns out, babysitting him through this endeavor is just enough of a burden to keep me from posting to Twitter, taking pics, and keeping up with current events, which is why this week’s YouTube photo slideshow will suck balls–sorry about that–and why what follows is a disjointed, half-retarded account of fuck knows what. I mean, I lived it and even I don’t know what the hell I’ve been doing for the past week. All I have is a few bits of narrative typed into my phone. I’ll do my best to piece it together for you now. Apologies to my 10 readers for the disjointed shart that follows…
So the first half of last week was spent in Ptown, and it proved to be pretty fun. The 2-year long roadwork project on the Beach Road is almost finished. They widened the road to—get this—provide street parking. Not an extra lane to alleviate traffic. That’s Thai government logic for ya.
We started out the first afternoon on The 6 where, after scarfing down pizza at Mama’s Café, my bro quickly found a girl. He prefers thick women—a bonus for him since 80% of bar girls are chunkers these days. I found one skinny girl to play Connect Four with but she was too scared to barfine, to my profound relief. My days of meeting a Ptown bargirl and immediately taking her for a ride are over. I’m too old, it’s too risky, and my needs are met by my harem. I don’t really have a hankering to nail new vajay anymore. But the girl was fun for a convo and a couple cocktails. I got her Line in the unlikely event I came down with a case of the horny’s later but her unwillingness to bed this old walrus is probably equal to my lack of initiative. The vibe on The 6 was much brighter than that of Patpong. For that moment, I loved Ptown as much as I did in my youth. Thanks to jetlag, though, my bro and I didn’t make it out that night, so the pressure was on to make the next evening alright for fighting (Bernie Taupin shoutout).
After a hot and breezy morning, we made another early afternoon trip down The 6, just as the thunder began to roll in the skies over the ocean. My sibling found a fat girl within seconds of hitting the soi. She was in Lollipop, and thankfully there was also one skinny girl there that I could talk to. We chatted while my lil bro went off to do his business. She was 33 (way out of my age window), a mother of two, with buttery brown skin like cane sugar and a wide white smile. She systematically massaged my legs, arms, and shoulders. After my brother returned, we popped into Night Wish where fortune smiled on me again. Like a needle in a stack of elephant seals, a tiny girl emerged from between two rotund lasses. She spoke no English but that didn’t deter me. She had a lilting, infectious laugh which she loosed at every one of my corny jokes before asking me to go upstairs. I told her I couldn’t as I had to play chaperone for my brother but I could try to carve out time in the next day or two. I got her Line and then scampered back to the hotel for a nap.
At 21.00 we made our way to Walking Street, still jetlagged but determined to see some sights. Our first stop was at the Muay Thai exhibition down the far end of the street. It felt weirdly comforting to do something touristy for once. Walking Street was awash in the unwashed. The Chinese tour groups led by flag-waving guides have returned. Indians, Russians, and Chinese compete to be the dominant demographic in ole Ptown. My little brother isn’t really into gogos—he’s more of a beer bar guy—but we popped into Living Dolls and Sensations to get a feel for the current vibe. The gogos were rammed and the party was a’rockin’. It seems Ptown has mostly recovered from the economic downturn cased by the scamdemic. It ain’t back to 2015 levels but it’s close. Thanks to overwhelming jetlag, my bro and I headed to bed after only those two gogos.
On the following evening, we hoofed it out to LK Metro and hit Sugar Sugar, Lady Love, Kink, and Mamasan. My bro found a girl of adequate girth at the latter, but she wanted 4 grand for an hour so he balked, and we went for a slice of pizza instead. Another negative at Mamasan is a handful of male gay bar staff who leer at and proposition the customers. Lady Love had 4 fit girls—a marked increase from a month ago. 22 hours later, we hit Soi Boomerang, specifically to check in with my friends at Heaven Above and Dynamite. The former has doubled in size, having leased the space next door and knocked down the wall in between. It’s a cool, comfortable spot, and easy to see why it’s a favorite among locals. The staff are friendly and fun. There was even a dancer who wasn’t overweight, so I had one chick to stare at for a time. Dynamite is twice the size of Heaven Above and the tunes are markedly louder. Other than that, the vibe is quite similar. No skinny girls, though.
Kilkenny—the Aussie beer bar on the elbow of LK—is gone. It’s been replaced by a new gogo called “Las Vegas.” There are more than a few hot-hotties in there. It’s arguably the best gogo on LK now.
The next few days were a beer-soaked haze and fat girl malaise as my bro plowed through heavy hitters back at The 6. I only got time to myself in the short-time hours when he took a girl to his room. Those brief respites were spent in the company of Soi 6 skinnies. Pro tip for Ptown bar girls: If your customer is being polite, don’t respond by being a dick. I get it—most punters are shitheads, but assuming everyone is is bad for business. Don’t return kindness with rudeness (looking at you, only slim girl in Lisa Bar).
Whilst sitting in bars on The 6, I noticed a strange phenomenon: American dudes walking solo down the street and reacting to the attention of the girls with embarrassed, bemused rejection. Modern conventions tell them women don’t pursue, and touching them is assault. They had the gumption to fly 8,000 to where women are women, but can’t muster up the balls to pull the trigger. They came all this way to get flattered, and then go home.
On the 12th we beat a hasty retreat back to Bangkok, chiefly to avoid the 6-day hellscape that is Songkran in Ptown. My buddy told me Soi Cowboy would open at 1 pm on Songkran Day 1 so we headed over, thinking there’d be barfining. There was not. Instead, it was a bunch of kids and Chinese tourists having a water fight. We hid inside Oasis and drank beers, watching the wet revelers. Then we bailed, having failed in finding tail.
Since my brother arrived, I’ve lived like a tourist. Malls, restaurants, awkward barfines. I have to negotiate everything for him as his Thai translator-slash-gash mediator. It’s a full-time job. He hates Patpong because there aren’t enough chubsters. On Friday night he found a portly pole kitty in Twister Nana Plaza and took her across the street while I popped in to Billboard and Butterflies. There were a whopping four fit girls in BB and one in BF, the latter I only glimpsed once before she disappeared behind a wall of dancing manatees. Both bars sported 60 girls and lots of customers. In Butterflies, I saw half a dozen punters sipping red wine. For a moment I thought they knew something I didn’t and demanded to see a menu. A glass of vino was 180 baht, so no, nobody had secret intel on good wine in the redlight. These were just 6 douchebags drinking shit wine.
Outside Whiskey n GoGo I ran into a gal formerly from XXX Lounge. She asked me when XXX would reopen. I could only shrug. Speaking of running into girls from the shut-down Pong bars, it’s been happening all over town. The most obscure was a barmaid who got a job at a restaurant in Terminal 21.
On Saturday we were back in NanaP because it’s my bro’s new favorite Bangkok spot to fish for fatties. He found one in Random II and headed off to the Nana Hotel, leaving me free to hit Twister and frolic with galpals Pui and Nuchy—both formerly of XXX Lounge but changed locations many months ago. Afterwards I shot up to Billboard and there, I had a redundant fuckpiphany. That’s where you’re looking at a girl onstage thinking, “Hey, I’d bang her,” only to realize a moment later that you already did. She was a fit lass in her mid-30s, and had had a lot of work done on her face in the 11 years since I bedded her. Her tattoos were the giveaway.
Saturday 15 April, 2023, was a monumental date for Billboard. It’s the day the carousel held more fit, fuckable girls than fat girls—a first since 2016. 14 of the 15 dancers were hot. ‘Twas a Songkran miracle, it was. By jove and great googlie-mooglie. Following BB, I parked in the beer garden for a cigar. I never realized that, from a barstool on the ground level you can see up the skirts of the girls on the 3rd floor. Somewhere that was more erotic than anything the gogos had to offer.
Rumors of girls from The Strip relocating to Mandarin proved to be false—either that or they all went back to Isaan for New Year’s. In random Pong news, a giant Mary Jane cannabis shop—one of a larger BKK-wide chain—is going in on Soi 2 next to Shenanigan’s. Now you can get high, quench your muchies at Shagz, then seek out a Sheila to shag just a few steps away in Pink Panther.
Next week, on my brother’s insistence, we’re headed back to Ptown where the girls are chubbier and the prices are cheaper. I’ll do my best to snap pics between keeping him out of trouble, so that I might again provide you with a respectable YouTube slideshow. In the meantime, I’ve pieced together a shitty one using random photos taken whilst strolling through The 6, Walking Street, LK, and Nana Soi 4. Sorry it sucks.
And that’s all the monger that’s fit to ponder for now, friends. Check back next Sunday for another summary of red-light events. In the meantime, you can read more about Bangkok life on my Substack: https://bangkokseven.substack.com/
Photos of everything in this blog can be found in this post’s YouTube slideshow companion over at:
https://www.youtube.com/c/BangkokSeven
If you’re in a generous mood, you can donate anytime at https://www.buymeacoffee.com/bangkok7
Follow me on Twitter @BangkokSeven for daily pics from the redlight, and until next time, keep your balls warm, your beer cold, and cheers to another week above ground in the greatest country on Earth: Thailand.
Pro Tip Post-Script: If you bang a lot of chicks on The 6 in Ptown, for convenience you can stay at Hotel Selection, which is positioned directly north of the Soi. Then when you want to short-time, it’s a one-minute walk to your room. Also, if you hit a girl near the Beach Road end on a day and then don’t want to see her the following day, you can walk round behind the hotel to the night market with the jumbo jet, and enter The 6 from the Second Road, totally clandestine like a sex spy. Happy hunting.
